Monday, July 4, 2011

One Helluva Mountain to Climb

So, I'm trying to quit smoking.

That's hard.

That's really f#$king stab everybody in their facehole hard.

I've tried for two weeks and I've cheated every damn day.

Dammit! I'm a skeptic. I know all the bad shit smoking does. Hell, I worked in a hospital a few years, I've seen what it does. Logic-brain should be "hey, dumbass, this is what's going to happen. Cut that shit out." And I love logic-brain. He tells me not to do stupid stuff. He asks all the fun questions about science and gives me sweet debates to get in to.

But addict-brain is "tasty tasty fuckin' awesome gimme a cig gimme a cig fuck yea! fuckin' awesome! screw the gum fuck ya just-"

Addict-brain is really predictable and really really hard to argue with. He wants cigarettes. Fuck it, I want cigarettes. I think I'm a smart guy and then I bought a frickin' pack on the way home. I want them so damn bad and I know they're so damn bad for me but, damn, the hooks are deep.

I want to quit smoking, but then the other part of me doesn't and then I realize I really don't but I do and goddammit I really do because-

*slow breath* I gotta. I'm 25 and I am this much a slave to anything. Cigarettes own me. No one, no sentient sapient being, should have lost it like this. I can't go from work to home without breaking? Fuck health, I gotta do this to show me that I'm strong enough to do this.

I'm a being with free will. I've got to own this addiction. Not for anyone else, not for my friends or loved ones, not to prove a point to the Christians around me that have said an atheist doesn't have a reason or a source of power to quit addictions, not to show my strength to my dad who kicked it even though he started at the age of eleven and beat it (to which I say, damn!), not to my bank account that'd love $200 a month more, but for me.

This is for me. This has gotta be for me. And that's not selfish. If this is for anyone else, anything else, then it could fail. People and things can let me down, but I'm the only me I have. I just gotta show myself I can deal with this so I can move on. If I can conquer this, I could walk up stairs without breathing like an asthmatic and maybe climb mountains like a pro and maybe conquer the fucking stars. Because if I can beat this...

I can beat anything.

But fuck, I want a cigarette right now.

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