Beach Logic

Suppose you stumbled upon a watch while walking down a beach with a friend. If you're the decent sort of bloke, you'd go to the nearest National Guard post or life-station or whatever and turn it in. If you're an indecent fella, you might pocket it and see if you can pawn it later. If you're the navel-gazing type, you might wonder about the men and women who made that watch. After all, the existence of a watch presumes a watchmaker, right? Someone had to have intentionally make such an obviously fabricated thing, of course.

Now, suppose you are walking down a beach and stumble upon a friend while looking at your watch. If you're the decent sort of bloke, you'd greet him and maybe take him to get a beer at the nearest bar or pub or whatever and get drunk with him. If you're an indecent fella, you might sell him to slavers or draw penises on his face. If you're the navel-gazing type, you might wonder about the man and woman who made that friend. After all, the existence of a friend presumes two people boning to create the friend, right? Someone had to unintentionally make your friend in the backseat of a '78 Camaro, of course.

Wait. That's not quite true. Your friend's biological parents didn't make your friend, they made the biological entity that is your friend, right? After all, you had a hand in making him your friend. You are the decent bloke who bought him a beer instead of drawing dicks on his forehead. You helped him move that couch that he didn't tell you was a hide-a-bed, which are really heavy, until you tried lifting it, but you didn't complain because he's your friend and his weak-ass isn't moving that on his own, that's for sure.

Where was I? Oh yeah. His biological parents didn't make him your friend. They just put a sperm into an egg. All the events in his life and all the things you did and didn't do made him your friend. He wasn't created. He came from physical stuff mixing with other physical stuff and, through you being as awesome as you are, the two of you became friends. So there's no 'friend-maker,' really. Just biological happenstance of him and you existing at the same time and you being best buds because you don't draw phalluses on each other.

Suppose you're walking with your friend while wearing a watch and you stumble upon a beach. If you're a decent sort of bloke, you might pick up some litter and put it in the conveniently located trash receptacles or go for a swim. If you're an indecent fella, you might throw your used water bottle on the ground like a jackass or yell shark when there isn't one like an even bigger jackass. If you're the navel-gazing type you might think about the men and women who made that beach. After all, the existence of a beach presumes a beach-maker, right? It-

Wait, what? You're really going to ignore all that tidal action and geological activity and erosion and just go ahead and assume somehow someone made sand and water out of nothing? Despite all the evidence that shows that the frickin' beach exists because of physical laws that you should've learned about in middle school, you're going to assume it was created intentionally? By an invisible super-being, despite there being no evidence whatsoever of such an entity existing?

Okay. Well, in that case, I have a bridge to sell you.